Safe, Sane, Consensual. The Rules of BDSM

I hear you, “what there are rules?!” Yep quite a few.

Many people seem to think all you need is a whip and some rope and you can practice the art of BDSM. Mainstream beliefs fuel this. The fact is, that belief couldn’t be further from the truth.

To understand the rules, you have to understand what BDSM is. I don’t mean what the letters stand for, anyone can Google that and see for themselves. I mean what the actual lifestyle is about. A Dom is not a screwed up bloke (or woman) with mummy issues, girlfriend issues or just plain fucked in the head. He (or she) is someone who wants to bring pleasure to his partner. Who wants to experience the gratification of having someone place their security in their hands. A sub is not a weak woman (or man), who cant think for themselves, cant make decisions and is weak in life. She is someone who likes to be pleasured, to be told how to pleasure her partner, (lets face it a mans “cum” face in a normal situation might be mistaken for a pissed off face), sometimes it’s nice to be told what to do. Often in a long term “conventional” relationship between a Dom and sub, it is actually the sub who is the stronger party in day-to-day life.

On to the rules, SSC and RACK are at the root of everything a fetish lover does. Safe, Sane, Consensual and Risk Assessed Consensual Kink. You’ll notice both abbreviations contain one word the same. Consent. BDSM is NOT about doing something, or persuading someone to do something without their permission. Safe, well this is pretty self explanatory, don’t do anything stupid, the same meaning goes for the RA of RACK. This can mean anything from have a sharp object close by in-case you need to release ropes quickly, to not screwing someone who’s tied around the throat from the ceiling. Sane, this is pretty much the same as the previous. Doing things that aren’t guaranteed to go wrong. These rules also apply to state of mind, don’t whip your sub raw if you’ve had a bad day, keep your head on straight, don’t use it as a form of venting.

These rules were at the core of why I wanted to write Two Worlds. The masses are suddenly dabbling in BDSM without any clue of what they’re doing. Tell me, how exactly are you going to release your sub if she (he) passes out and you have them tied to the bed? In a panic fumbling with knots is going to get you no where. Do you know what to do if you take breath play too far? Do you even know how to do it properly? Can you give a sub the aftercare she (he) needs? Do you know what subspace is? If you answered no to a single one of the above questions, you are not following the rules of BDSM and if you’re not following them, what you are doing isn’t kink, its stupid.

Two Worlds shows that having a sexual relationship that focuses on the fetish lifestyle, is not about any of the usual stereotypes. There’s no weak woman, no fucked up man. The Dom knows what he is doing, and the sub is being taught. At the same time, it’s still fiction and what everyone needs to remember, is you cant learn a new skill, by reading a fiction novel.

Yes, BDSM is a skill, its an art form, it’s beautiful.

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Sweet, Soul Destroying Writing

Why do we do it?

Ok so we know we have to get the ideas out of our head, and onto something tangible. Why not leave it at that though? Instead we send our work out for crit by people we’ve never met, we edit meticulously, and for what?

Most life goals have an end in sight, be it a career you train for, or seeing your kids grow into happy adults. Writing has no end.

The work in progress is always just that, in progress. It’s never perfect, it’s never finished.

Then even when you do get to a point where you think “this is it, I’ve got it as good as it can be (I’ve said that about six times to date), send it to an agent or two, then find a giant glaring hole. You hang your head in shame and try to ignore the inbox/post as you know a nice fat, form rejection is coming your way.

For this exact reason, I haven’t yet submitted to the agent I really, want. I guess I’m more willing to screw up my chances with others, than I am with them. The silly thing is, even if it was perfectly edited, with no typos, no misspellings and every comma perfectly placed,(yeah right) they still might send that dreaded form rejection in return. The spelling might not be my issue, maybe I tell a really poor story. Maybe no one even wants to read about BDSM with no fucked up Dom who actually treats his sub right. We just don’t know. We never know if we’re ever good enough.

The light at the end of the tunnel, is only switched on when an agent or publisher actually accepts! How do we keep going ’till then?

An acquaintance once told me, after I mentioned I was writing a book, to give up on an agent. She wrote too and no agents were taking new writers. She was published by an online eBook publisher. Website was bad, book covers appalling, and about ten links to jump through to even buy a book. Now, I think its fairly safe to say, agents are taking on new talent, if it’s good enough. Yet to maybe make herself feel better, or just to save time or even because all she needed was validation, that author chose to short-change her work and give up on the elusive representation.

How?

How, do you invest so much time and energy, to just give up? Especially when you have a quick Google of how many, now, bestsellers were rejected, multiple times. A simple “thanks, but no thanks” from a few agents/publishers, doesn’t mean the work is bad, just not right for them. How do you know if yours is worth pursuing?

Is it really possible, that if you just keep querying, keep editing, keep sending out submissions, over and over again, eventually one will accept? Or is it more likely, you’ll just run out of people to sub too?

Which raises a new question, if when you get to the bottom of that list, after many, many edits, could you start at the top again? Is it possible the time that has lapsed, and the edits that have been made, would mean they won’t remember the piece they rejected a year ago? Could they even look at it differently? Could they accept?

If that is possible, isn’t it also possible, that anyone with time, determination and a story to tell can and will be accepted eventually. After all, you only need one “yes”.

Is it more about how determined you are, than whether or not you’re “ready”?

Kinky Sex As Parents

When you have kids, the sex in any relationship becomes more awkward, more rushed and more at “set” times. Lets face it, you can’t have a quickie on the rug at 6pm with kids waiting on their dinner. In bed, at bedtime becomes the norm very quickly, mainly because there’s no other option, assuming you can both keep your eyes open in the first place.

 Even the bedroom becomes awkward when a new baby arrives, for me my youngest still sleeps in our room, not only is sex a more rushed affair, while praying he doesn’t wake up at an inopportune time (I swear sometimes he knows, and will sit up just to annoy me), but kink goes right out the window. Sex toys are just too noisy, your favourite vibrator guarantees waking any small child, if not the whole house. As for whips forget it, there’s no way that sharp thwack is going un-noticed. Sex on the living room floor might be more appropriate, if you couldn’t set your clocks by an older child needing a drink or some other random thing that could easily have been discussed before bedtime.

It seems like the only choice left, is quick, “vanilla” sex at 11pm before going to sleep. That’s just not floating my boat though, hell I don’t think it floats His boat either. So what’s the trick?

Get creative! Find new sex toys, new ways to do the things you enjoy. Let me just say, a cheap face massager has plenty enough vibration to get the job done and is much quieter than the top rated vibe, which has the same decibel as a jet engine. Look for toys within your home, or labelled in shops that can do exactly what you want and of course need, without creating a whole host of problems. Spanking might well be out, but there are plenty of other ways to get heated with your partner or Dom. Clothes-pins, of course are perfectly quiet, just make sure you leave plenty on the washing line, bath brushes have nice firm bristles, that will lovingly assault your skin in a quiet way. Just make sure you don’t put it back in the bathroom.

Nothing is more exciting, than bringing home a seemingly “normal” object, and showing your partner, with one eye raised and watching His face as he follows your train of thought. The small smile that suddenly appears, usually wiped by the arrival, of a small, annoying person who wants to know “what’s that for?” For once you don’t have to make explanations of how its a “hole digger” for the garden, you can very honestly point out “its an XXX, for XXX”. They’ll quickly lose interest, and your free to stash it in your bedroom, for your own version of  playing.

This doesn’t fix the problems of when and where, the bedroom at night is pretty much a given, but I guarantee with a frequent arrival of new “toys” to explore with, keeping your eyes open wont be as hard any more!! Next time you’re in a supermarket, keep a close eye, use your imagination, and see what you can find to get the kink back in your sexlife! I’d love to hear about what you find.

The gag, the wedding ring and the submissive collar

stock-photo-collar-126061466

Every relationship is different, be it a “normal” marriage, a partnership, or a Dom/sub dynamic. Yet at the same time, they all have something in common, respect, trust and often love.

Most vanilla husbands and wives, probably wish they could gag their partners on a regular basis. The fetish couple, just actually do it, and for very different reasons. Most of those reasons, are often grossly misinterpreted.

What’s the first thought that comes to mind, when you hear the phrase, “I’m a collared submissive,”?
I’m willing to bet (my own collar) its something sexual, some dynamic that involves cruel punishments, pain, and humiliation. The truth, couldn’t be farther away. The collar, in some respects, is no different to a wedding ring. It says “I have given myself to someone”. Be it in a ceremony, with vows and a pretty dress, or on your knees, with your head bowed. The collar itself, isn’t remotely sexual, (ok it can be for some, but not everyone attaches a leash) it signifies a union. A relationship, often forged on more trust than a marriage. Lets be honest, how many husbands and wives, share their deepest, darkest sexual fantasies? The ones that are reserved for when the other is sleeping/working because they’re just too damn depraved to share. You all have them, no matter what you say, the difference in a Dom/sub dynamic, is they live them.

A common misconception, is a collared sub, is someone who is humiliated, degraded, treated poorly and “forced” to do whatever the Dom wants. Again this is a misconception. I’ll let you in on a little secret, the submissive, has all the power. Yep, that’s right, every last bit of it. She/he chooses to give the power to their Dom, and they can take it back at any moment, even in the minute before their Dom comes to orgasm, one word ends everything. How many wives would be willing to bet their husbands would do the same?

I wrote Two Worlds, to dispel some of these very myths. I was tired of people assuming, my partner, my Dom, was a depraved man who just wanted to beat me legitimately (yeah right, like he’d dare). The relationship between Lendon, and Tarina is one based on an equal footing, one forged on trust and mutual gratification. Certain popular books made BDSM mainstream, what they didn’t do is show a Dom in a good light. I wanted to change that. A Dom, can be a meek, mild mannered, gentle man (or woman) in every way, but like many of us when the lights go down, something changes and when his charge is knelt before him, something stirs deep inside.

What’s the point though? I can hear you asking. It’s simple, nothing is more satisfying, more exciting, than trusting someone else to please you wholly. When your mouth is gagged, and your hands are tied, how do you safeword? You have to trust the person in charge, knows you and your body 100%. That they will know if you aren’t comfortable, that they can tell the difference between wriggles of delight, wriggles of mock defiance and the ones that mean “you need to let me go right now”. nothing can be more satisfying, that watching someone pleasure your body, while you lay, effectively helpless, and knowing everything they do, is for your benefit.

That is the real meaning of a collar, one word, one meaning TRUST.

The Work in Progress

Two Worlds is a novel I’ve been working on, for what feels like forever, ok so just over a year. Only now its complete, am I learning the story was just the beginning, the tip of an iceberg that could panic the Titanic II. Writing the story was fun, creative and if I’m honest made me just a little proud of myself. Then came the editing. Going through over 80 thousand words with a fine tooth comb, again, and again, and again, was enough to make me doubt my own sanity. I still do.

I wrote Two Worlds for a reason, to create a story to pull the heart strings, to show a woman, who could stand alone without a man, to create a male who could be gentle, yet oh so firm. Most of all to show BDSM was more than whips, chains and messed up Dom’s. As my female MC discovers the world of submission, she learns it’s not what she expected. Ok so it has a little to do with whips, what fun would it be without?

Now its pretty polished, my sex scenes leave the sofa damp beneath you, and the real work begins. Yeah that’s right editing was just a prelude to the real fun. Finding an agent.

Let the work begin!